Ted and I were gone for a few hours one Saturday recently, and when we came back to the house, there were hoof prints all over the garden. Our largest tomato plant had 4 green tomatoes on it when we'd left in the morning, and when we returned, they'd all been eaten. Remarkably, there was nothing else touched, leading me to believe that we'd probably come home and frightened him away before he'd gotten the chance to do some real damage.
On Memorial Day weekend, a few of Ted's and my friends were over, playing catch in the backyard, bean bags (or as they call it on the East Coast, Cornhole). As we entered our second round of a competitive bocce game, a young buck decided to make his entrance as an obstacle as we played. Sauntering over the fence, he moseyed his way into our backyard, prancing right between our small group and the group of balls that we were aiming at. Remarkable as he was with his budding antlers and graceful presence, he was actually in the way of us finishing our game - and he wouldn't move! He stood there for close to five minutes, eyeing us down, watching to see if we'd make the first move, when he finally got bored of the contest and strode on towards the neighbors'. He jumped the fence as though it were a mere blade of grass, and carried on through the neighborhood.
After all of this, it became evident that we needed to do something about this wayward gentleman. Lithe, though he was, and probably very handsome in his circle of friends, he needed to stop eating my plants. I Googled "ways to get rid of deer," at which point I was greeted with many websites arguing the efficacy of a .22 gauge versus a crossbow. I was picturing myself, poised over the deck bannister, cradling a military assault rifle, cackling as I sprayed haphazard bullets into the poor, unsuspecting youngster. I imagined the black eye I would inevitably get after the recoil shattered my cheekbone. I envisioned myself wearing a racoon-skin hat, picking my teeth with a wheat blade, wearing overalls and belching loudly while sitting on a tree stump. I honed my search. "Deer Repellant." This yielded more appropriate results. Suggestions for items like capsaicin, flashing motion-sensor lights, water guns and the like all came into view. There was a reccomendation for something sold at Home Depot, and I figured, if it's sold at the Home Depot, it's got to have a Questions/Comments number that I can call when the substance ultimately fails.
There are several different varieties of so-called Deer Repellant at the Depot, and I put one in my cart that had a happy picture of a deer on the front. They probably took that photo right before they sprayed the plant with that repellant. I looked closer at the bottle, and it said, "For flowers and non-edible plants." Good thing I read it, because I started to think it might be Deer-a-cide after reading some of the ingredients. And what can kill a 100-lb deer could probably kill a 100-lb me. Just kidding, I don't weigh 100-lbs. Actually, for all some people reading this might know, I do. Yes, 100-lbs, 5'9'', and I am an expert marksman.
Anywho, I found the stuff that you can spray on edible plants, and bought the largest container that I could find. I probably drastically overestimated how much I would need, but one thing I hate is running out of stuff. That is why I am a good candidate for wholesale stores like Costco and BJs, and why I will probably never run out of powdered taco seasoning.
I read the instructions online for deer repellant, which seemed to indicate that you have to rotate the method by which you assault the deer every 2 weeks. They apparently can get used to a sensory insult within 2 weeks, and then they will overlook a bad taste, bright light, or foul smell. So as I understand it, I'm going to have to switch to waking up at 2am at some point in the next few days, running outside in my pajamas, and sounding off a fog horn in the general direction of my garden. This sounds like fun for all, especially my neighbors.
So I brought the tank of repellant out into the backyard to open-er-up. I followed the instructions on the container - open childproof lid, remove quality freshness seal, puncture inner lid with spraying device, turn sprayer on, spray plants. Only, when I removed the quality freshness seal, the freshness sprayed absolutely all over me. And by freshness, I will now attempt to describe to you the most putrid of all stenches that have ever been known to mankind. "Ah-YEEEEEEE!!!" One whiff of the coagulated, creamy, milky-clear liquid nearly rendered me unconscious. I must also state the obvious, and that is, I have smelled my fair share of foul odors. I have smelled things oozing out of orifices that in your wildest dreams you didn't know could ooze from there. I have smelled things that people do not speak their name, for fear it will rise up and haunt them from wherever they have buried it in the trash. And this, this deer repellant made by Satan hisself, is the most repulsive. By far. It smells like the worst vomit smell anyone has ever upchucked. As I made my fast attachment of the nozzle to the tank, I ran willy-nilly about the outside of the garden, spraying leaves in a dead sprint. It was pitch-black outside at the time, and I have no idea if I was spraying the tomato plants, or poor Margie. I knew I just had to get out of there. From 50 yards away, the back door opened. "Hey Elle, uh-WHAT THE HELL IS-" and the back door slammed shut again. The smell had carried to the backdoor, at which point I realized that this deer was probably off somewhere, maybe 15, 20 miles away, awoken from a peaceful slumber going, "Awww, crap."
I tucked the tank of disgustingness into the corner of the garage, first peering at the labeled ingredients. Capsaicin, peppermint, and the best ingredient of all - "putrescent egg particles". Let's break that one down for a moment. Putrescent Egg Particles. Putrescent, meaning disgusting. Egg, meaning white milky disgusting. Particles, meaning the entire container of disgusting. I don't know - forget the .22 Magnum, I think to really do some damage, you could just spray Putrescent Egg Particles directly ON the deer. He'll likely melt into oblivion. I actually felt bad for my loofah sponge when I showered the stench off of myself 15-seconds later.
I also must add here that I am very proud of my poor Ted. This self-sacrificing man, probably the most squeamish person I've met in my life, actually had the constitution to survive re-spraying the garden after a rainstorm we had while I was on the East Coast. Not many people can claim to have withstood this challenge, and I think I'm not the only one who can say she is proud of the sacrifice of dignity, stomach, and sanity that spraying the garden-vomit took. I am thinking of having shirts made up for anyone who can complete this challenge, more as an incentive for someone else besides me to do it.
Anyway, the deer hasn't made a reappearance in quite some time. I fished a zucchini that was about half as large as Margie, which would put it somewhere close to 8lbs. Cucumbers are growing, 3 pumpkins are almost as large as my head, and the zinnias are blooming beautifully, The Swiss chard is delicious, and I've pureed and frozen 4 batches of basil pesto sauce (and there is still way too much basil still growing). My tomatoes are just out of control now. I can't even get into the garden anymore- Ted and I refer to it as the Little Shop of Horrors, as I suspect the plants inside are forming an alliance and one day will launch a rebellion against me, chanting, "Hell no, we won't grow! Vomit spray is a no-no!"
